It's 4:17 in the morning and I've been up for an hour. The vivid dreams I'm having wake me up in the middle of the night and send my mind racing. Mostly about Allison. Mostly about all the things I could've done so much better with her already. I grind myself into the ground with each and every moment I've failed. There probably aren't even as many as I've conjured up in my head. But, this early in the morning, it's impossible to go back to sleep when you put yourself on the parenting chopping block.
I think of every time I begged the big man upstairs to forgive me for losing my cool, for stepping away, for not listening to my instincts, for not paying attention. I think of how my every action, my every inaction, impacts her history and her future. I wake up, think I just have to use the bathroom, and trying to fall back asleep is impossible. So I walk into her room, pick her up, and rock her. I put my head next to hers, and I silently tell her that I'm sorry for that spill off the couch when she was so tiny I didn't think she could roll over yet. For the moment that my frustrated cry out loud scared her. For every time her independent spirit conflicted with my hand keeping her arm; for a squeezed arm is far better than a breakaway into the street, or down a stairwell, or out a doorway.
A woman can and will drive herself crazy re-thinking every step she ever took in her life. And I don't know of anything that brings that about more than pregnancy. You want to do it different, do it better, do it right the first time. But like anything else in life, you don't really understand what the right way is until you sometimes do it wrong. It certainly doesn't help that at this point of my newest journey I'm experiencing those seat-of-your-pants emotions that make my guilt and worry feel like a ten pound lead weight in my gut.
So I make promises I hope I can keep - to do it right, better, different this second time around. Because the last thing I want is for the big guy upstairs thinking I'm not ready for this second chance to start again. I feel a little bit better knowing that tomorrow, my first chance will wake up just the way she always does - smiling and happy and ready to start the day. I'm sure I'll revisit the chopping block again a hundred, thousand times before my life is through. But the day is almost here. And I'm going to be ready for the new chance it's going to bring me.
So poignant. I know it's easier said than done, but cut yourself some slack! Remember all the AMAZING things you're doing as a mother...I know the list is much longer! Allison is so lucky to have you as a mom. :-)
ReplyDeleteAnd I hope you're feeling well these days!